This is one will be personal.
7 years ago, I posted my first blog post here. After my last year as a junior, I was on a high and very eager to make it into the elite. At the end of 2018, at PWT in China, I tightly won a race against some of the “big guys” and got to personally know the athletes I had just months before called my idols. At the end of the tour, Jonas Leandersson – the real one – gave me one of his national team sprint jerseys, maybe even the one he wore on his last world cup race. I do not really care about medals or much other memorabilia, like I do not know where my medals are at home, but I know where that shirt is because it symbolizes so much for me.
However, I feel like my whole career is only defined by that one race I won at JWOC. I am not sure if I would not have had that success that day, if I had continued in the elite – probably my coaches would have rightfully “talked” me into it. My aspirations were all or nothing, no middle ground; I was not aiming to compete in races with the goal of becoming second place. From the outset of this blog and my “orienteering career”, my main goal was to avoid being a “one-hit wonder”. I wanted to show that I belong to the elite group of athletes who are capable of winning world cup races. I can’t stress how much I wanted to be part of that group. Nothing gave me remotely as much drive in life as that goal.
Yet, here I am. I am taking part in two world cup races, but not even closely as a supporting actor but as an extra, someone in the far back of the scene. I fill the result list. I am here because I want so much to be part of this and want to see and meet the people in this sport, many of whom I call friends. At the same time, I feel like an imposter who is trying to be part of something he is not in shape for. Right now, I am a mediocre orienteer at best – it is my biggest fear come true – yet I am taking part in world cup races. It is something what I always wanted to avoid so strongly but the temptation to join the world cup anyway, and be part of the “circus” was just too big in the end.
For context, I might add that I had 3 sprint trainings between the race on Friday and EOC in 2023, and less than a handful of “intense” running sessions in the past 3 months. In the end, I walk out of the world cup with a mispunch in the individual sprint (I did not take control 13.) and one of the slowest times for the third/second leg in the sprint relay. It checks out. My physical and technical shape is as terrible as I thought it was, but seeing it in the results list like that still hit me hard. It’s the beautiful but brutal honesty of the sport.
As I have written before, the past two years have not been easy. My health/performance struggles might have faded by now, but I am not or cannot be 100% sure. Over the summer, I almost did not train for different reasons, such that I ended up not in shape after already being out of shape. After loosing Alexander in 2022, at the beginning of this year I lost with Chrafti another coach who played such an important role in my journey as an orienteer. All those things added together generally do not create a recipe for success.
I do not want pity; I want to be in shape again! I want to be able to compete in races without feeling completely wasted afterwards. I rather make bad routechoices but no being able to perform sucks. I still love the sport, the training, the traveling, the community. There is still nothing else giving me more drive than the dream of winning orienteering races – belonging to those athletes. Honestly, I miss it strongly. I miss the value and purpose the sport used to give my life.
Do I want to „come back“ – yes, no second-guessing, but the reality looks far more uncertain. This is neither the start nor the end. It is like a romantic drama, but it is neither orienteering’s nor my fault. It’s just the circumstances, the time and place somehow don’t match. Hopefully, there will be a second act. Hopefully, with me in a supporting role.
Time will tell. My love for orienteering is not lost.
Title photo: Jiří Mrkvička, World-Cup 2 – Sprint, 2023 (yes, I used that photo for a previous post – I have no other good photos available as I did not run any races lately..)
1 Comment
Stefano · 7. October 2025 at 16:22
Dear Colin. I read your post with my heart. Thank you for sharing so openly — your doubts, your fears, the moments when you felt you were falling short. It takes courage to show those parts of ourselves, and it’s often those very wounds that make us deeply human, not less worthy.
Let me say this, with all the warmth and honesty I can offer: you are not an impostor. The very fact that you question yourself, that you care so much, that you strive to do better — that’s not proof of inadequacy. It’s proof of love, of passion, of depth. And people who care deeply about what they do, who give their all, deserve respect and hope. The feeling of doubt can be a strange companion — uncomfortable, yes, but sometimes it quietly points toward growth that hasn’t yet revealed itself. You might not see the results right now, but the seeds you’ve planted are still there, waiting for their season. I don’t know what your “second act” will look like, but I believe in its existence. I believe that you have a place in it — with all your imperfections, your effort, your heart. And if I may say so: you’re not alone. There are people — myself included — who see your worth, who want you to keep going, who believe you deserve to rest, to try again, and to hope. Give yourself time to breathe, to heal, to recover your sense of strength and purpose. You don’t have to prove anything to anyone — only to keep treating yourself with the same kindness and respect you offer others. Sending you a big, warm hug — with all my human warmth and deep affection.
With care and admiration, your speaker, Stefano